God is the God of individuals!

Sixteen years ago, God measured my shoulders and decided that they were big enough to handle the trial of arthritis. In those 16 years I have had very few days without pain, I’ve had several surgeries, have had to use a cane at various times, have had so many cortisone injections that I feel like a pin cushion, have tried all different medications, currently go to Vancouver every 5 weeks to get one medication by IV and am likely facing a knee replacement in the future. Every joint in my body has been affected…except my jaw. I am an RN but have had to go on long-term disability. There are so many losses associated with this. The only predictable thing about arthritis is that it is unpredictable. Just because I feel okay and can get around today doesn’t mean that I will be able to get out of bed tomorrow. I have 3 rheumatologists on my medical team and have tired of hearing them say that they have never seen such an unrelenting, aggressive arthritis. I was recently told by one of them that while the medications are not getting me to a pain-free place, they are keeping me from being all gnarled up and I’m truly thankful for that.

Laced with uncertainty, my heart and feelings have fluctuated from confidently knowing that God is in control and that He only has our spiritual good in mind when He places challenges like these in our lives to feelings of despair and questions of why I would need to go through day after day of unrelenting pain. I’ve asked God to take this thorn away but He’s always answered me by saying that it is not His will to take this away but He will give me something even greater and better … the grace to bear it. As my family doctor has pointed out to me on occasion – Jesus will heal me but that might not happen on this earth.

Last year I joined Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) for the first time where we studied the book of John. It completely overwhelmed me. I grew up in a Christian home and was saved at a very young age, but I still have so much to learn about God’s character. This study showed me in a whole new way how God cares for the details of our lives, how He treats us as individuals, how He requires us to have faith but still recognizes and is sensitive to our human weaknesses, how He prays intricately for us, and what He was all willing to endure to save His people and bless them with eternal LIFE.

I think the study of John 17 stands out as one of the most significant ones for me. When I read how Jesus, just before His arrest & crucifixion, prayed for Himself, His disciples and all believers throughout all time, it broke my heart because it was so personal, so detailed, and so compassionate. When I think about how He asked His father if it were possible that the ‘cup’ be removed from Him, I realize that it’s okay for me to honestly tell God that some days living with arthritis is just too hard. I have also learned that He protects His sheep even through the night so my dark nights of the soul are also under that protection. I also take great comfort in the fact that this Jesus loves me unconditionally – that His love for me isn’t based on my performance but on His eternal plan, promise & commitment.

For now, He holds out His hand, gesturing for me to place mine in His, and asks me, “Can you still trust me?” In spite of all those rough pain-filled moments, I can confidently place my hand in His knowing that He will give me strength for the day. Having a new understanding of His tender, gentle care has been Life-changing for me and focusing on Him has given me peace with the entire situation.

How anyone can live without this Jesus is beyond me. What a Saviour!